On schooling and parenting

Parenting is so hard.  I'm realizing that it never really gets easier either.  It just changes and the things that used to be hard get easier but then new hard things replace those.  Those of you who knew Claire as a two year old know that she was hard two year old.  She was so strong-willed and so challenging. There were so many frustrating moments but by the grace of God, Justin and I persevered and finally came out on the other side.  For the most part, she is so easy now.  God has cultivated such a kind, loving, generous spirit within her and most of the time, that's what we see with her.  Don't get me wrong, she's a wretched sinner like the rest of us.  I'm not saying she's perfect by any means.  I'm just saying she is so kind and such a good friend and I have seen so much growth in her.  It's encouraging.

Enter preschool.  Claire loves school.  She delights in loving her teachers, making new friends, learning new songs and poems, and sharing her school work with us.  I have loved watching her find such joy in going to school.  As a former lover of school and teacher myself, it does my heart good to see her so happy.  We have always planned to send her off to kindergarten when the time came and years ago, I even looked forward to the day!  As this day draws nearer and nearer, my heart has begun to ache with the thought of sending her to school every day, all day.  She just seems so young and little and I just don't feel ready for this transition.  Justin and I always been pro public school.. I mean, we both taught in the public schools for crying out loud!  That conviction has become a bit blurry as the time draws closer for me to send my baby off to school.

Then, this happened.  A few weeks ago, as we were driving somewhere as a family, Claire casually told us that some girls from another class were laughing at her winter hat and told her it looked weird.  My heart sank and Justin and I looked at each other with such sadness.  Claire was kind of laughing about it and didn't seem to think much of it, so we didn't make a big deal about it.  Fast forward to this morning... as we were getting coats on, I handed Claire her hat and asked her to put it on, since it was chilly here this morning.  She started crying and said, "I am never wearing that hat again.  Those girls made fun of me for wearing it."  Oh, my breaking heart.  I stopped and hugged my sweet girl.  I told her that I loved her and she didn't have to wear it if she didn't want to.  We also talked about how much Jesus loves her and that even though those girls were not being kind, she still needs to be kind to them.  We prayed together for those girls and asked Jesus to help Claire be kind all the time and share the love of Christ with those girls.  We both had tears streaming down our faces and held each other tight for awhile after we prayed.

My mind has been racing with thoughts and emotions this morning:  Sadness that Claire, at age five, has already experienced the brutal reality of living in this fallen world.  Aching for Christ's return to come and make all things new again.  An instinct to want to protect her from the world and mean girls.  The realization that I cannot protect her.  Pleading with God to protect Claire from experiences like this one.  Surrendering to the reality that these situations will develop her character and hopefully allow her to put her faith, trust, and hope in Christ alone.  Deciding I can't send her to kindergarten.  Remembering I don't want to home school.  Deciding to send her to private school.  Remembering it's expensive.  Frantically texting Justin.  In short: I'm freaking out.  Parenting.is.so.hard.  Making these big life decisions is so hard.  I've decided to commit to praying about this with Justin and truly seek God's direction.  When it comes to schooling my children, I've always thought I knew what we wanted for them and what was best, but I've realized that we've never really sought God's lead on that.  So, we are going to change that and pray for direction, guidance, and peace as we look for God to direct us.

I know this is not the last time we'll be faced with a situation like this, regardless of how we decide to educate our children.  My hope and prayer is that God uses all things, little and big, for His glory and to develop character in us and our children.