On suffering

Friends, I've been quiet around here lately.  I'm not sure why.  I think of this sacred space often and want to write, post, update.  But I just don't have the inspiration.  I don't know if it's the sheer exhaustion of parenting my three people every day.  Or if it's the twinge of loneliness I find myself wallowing in some days.  Or if it's the heartache I feel for so many in my life.  Whatever it is, I just haven't found it in me lately.  But for today, for now, I'm mustering up what I have, sitting in front of the fire watching the snow fall and forcing myself to write.  It really is a beautiful view.  I hate the cold.. but watching the snow fall outside really is magical.

There's a lot of heaviness around me lately.  And because Christ calls us to carry each other's burdens, my heart has been heavy.  I have three friends who have lost precious babies in the past three weeks.  Three very much wanted babies.  It's heartbreaking to be expectantly anticipating ultrasounds, due dates, gender reveals, finishing out a pregnancy, welcoming a new baby into the family...only to be met with loss and heartache. 

I've followed the story of this family for the last couple of years.  I went to high school with Joe, who just lost his battle with cancer at age 31...days before his 3rd wedding anniversary and a month before his daughter's 1st birthday.  

I have a friend suffering through infertility, another suffering from severe depression, and yet another dealing with intense anxiety.  Y'all, my heart is heavy for all of the suffering around me.  Some days it can feel hopeless.  But then, that still small voice reminds me that Jesus came to redeem.  He wants to take what is hopeless, what is painful, what is dead.. and breathe in new life, hope, and joy.  In EVERYTHING, He is good.  Some days that is harder to believe that others.  

"Therefore we do not lost heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal."        ~1 Corinthains 4:16-18

This song sums it up perfectly.  Please watch the whole thing.. it's powerful... tears are flowing as I watch.  

Thank you, Jesus, that our suffering is NOT meaningless.  Be near.  

Agape

In church this past Sunday, the pastor was preaching on loving our 'enemies' the way we would love our friends.  He began to talk about not just kind of loving them, but really loving them.. agape kind of love.  Unconditional.  Self-sacrificing.  Divine.  As soon as he mentioned the word agape, with tears in my eyes my mind instantly went to my Grandpa Lower.  Grandpa Lower taught me what agape love was.  I mean, he really explained it to me- what it meant, what it looked like.. and then he loved me that way.  He went home to be with Jesus in February and I have been wanting to write about him ever since.

I was blessed with four INCREDIBLE grandparents.  Seriously.  I lost my first grandparent when I was 26 so I was so fortunate to be able to know my grandparents into my adult years... such a treasure.  They all loved so well.  They loved each other.  They loved their families.  They loved me.  Each one of them is just so special to me..  I have so many incredible memories of them all.  For some reason, Grandpa Lower is the one I can look back on and say, "I learned so much from him."  Maybe it was because we lived only fifteen minutes from them growing up.  Maybe it was because he had such a BIG personality.  Maybe it was because of his boldness.  Whatever the reason, Grandpa taught me so much.

 

Grandpa had an impressive resume and career... he pastored churches, was a principal of a school, held masters and doctorate degrees, was a dean of students at Moody Bible Institute, and was a professor at Wheaton College.  He was so passionate about the Lord and about scripture.  He had a verse for every occasion, committed a crazy amount of scripture to memory, and told everyone he came across about Jesus..




My grandparents had five children, the middle one being my mom.  I always thought it was so neat that they had such a big family... it makes family gatherings and reunions so much fun!  There are so many people with so many interests and talents.. never a dull moment!

As a child, I often felt embarrassed that in the middle of Cub Foods, he would tell EVERYONE we crossed paths with that I was grandchild #8 and I was spending the night and whatever else we were doing... but looking back, it always made me feel so special.  I knew that he was so proud of me that he wanted to tell everyone we met about me... and what better way to boost a young child's self esteem but to BRAG about them in front of everyone?  Grandpa never met a stranger!



Yes, that's right ladies and gents... the girl with the little neon number?  That would be me! ;)

When each grandchild turned ten, Grandpa and Grandma stopped giving us birthday presents, but instead would take us on a birthday experience.  One year they took me to see the play 'Annie', another year we went to Disney on Ice... I just love that they would think of something we could actually do together and celebrate our life in that way.

When I was a freshman in college, my grandparents heard about an experience they wanted me to have.  Someone from their church shared about a ministry called Little Lambs, which took short term missions trips to orphanages in Ukraine.  Knowing about my love for children, they thought this was a perfect experience for me.  They called me to tell me about it, sent me a brochure, and offered to pay for me to go on the trip.  Because of their prompting, I went on the trip.  I didn't know anyone going and was terrified, but that month I spent in Ukraine that summer was one of the most life-shaping events I've experienced yet...just because they knew me and encouraged me to go.  I still have the email he sent to me before I left for my month long adventure:

   Dearest Annie,

    Here is a Verse or two to take with you -- as you go to Serve -- as
unto Jesus (Ala Mother Theresa)....Just read them recently: "O Sovereign
Lord, I am your Servant.  You have only begun to show me your Greatness and
Power.  Is there any god in Heaven or earth who can perform such Great Deeds
as  Yours?"  (Deut. 3:24 LBT)  "The Eternal God is your refuge, and His
everlasting arms are under you.  He thrusts out the enemy before you; it is
He who cries, 'Destroy them'!"  (Deut. 33:27 :LBT)
     Our prayers, thoughts, and Love go with you.  We are Trusting in God's
Care for you and His working through you.  We hopefully await your return --
and to hear some of the Great things He (our God) has revealed to you.
            Grace, Mercy, and Peace -- from the Source (Jas. 1:17)      And
MUCH Love, G..&G. Lower

I can't read that without crying...so filled with truth and love.  And he held true to his word - I remember they accompanied my parents in picking me up from the airport after my month away.  

Another sweet note I saved from him...

DEAR Annie,

        Praise the Lord!  We have a 'Sunshiny' day!  I am (1) Looking for
the coming of Spring, and (2) the Coming Again of Jesus -- Whichever one
comes first!  Both are Wonderful thoughts; pregnant with promises of
Enjoyable times.  I (we) are hoping that, you too, are Rejoicing in these
and other Hilarious Hopes.
       My personal word of encouragement to you -- via loads of
Grand-paternal love and concern -- To be on Guard against ANY idea of an
'Anthropomorphic' View of God (i.e. -- Creating God in the Image of Man;
conceiving of God in 'Terms' of Human' nature -- as though God thinks and
acts like unto a man.)  This has been a part of Humanistic philosophy for
some time; and is, even now entering by traces of inference into Evangelical
theology. And is Not a part of Reformed Theology.
         Whereas, the Bible plainly teaches that God is 'ONE' (i.e. Totally
'Unique' -- 'Holy' (apart, separate, intrinsically different).  Totally
different from Man.!  His Way and Thoughts are Not Our thoughts!  (Isaiah
55:11 & following).
        A verse of Scripture I have recently found worthy of memorizing is
Numbers 23:19.  "God is Not a 'Man', that He should lie.  He is not a 'Human
being', that He should change His mind.  Has He ever Spoken and failed to
act?  Has he ever Promised, and not carried it through?  (New Living
Translation)

        We Think often of you and Look forward to seeing you.  We pray God's
Best to be upon you.

Love ('Agape', even!), G&G Lower

See, he even signed his emails with agape love!  ;)

My brother had the privilege of holding Grandpa's hand and being by his side at the hospital when he left this earth.  Before he was gone, Jason had the great idea of using FaceTime to allow us to see Grandpa one last time and say goodbye for now.  I was so overcome with emotion that all I could say over and over was, "I love you so much, Grandpa."  As much as I miss his presence here and in my life, he is finally home.  He's with his Savior who he loves so much and reunited with Grandma Millie.  

So so thankful for my sweet, stylish (did I mention he had the sharpest sense of style??) Grandpa who loved so well.  Love you, Grandpa!

Jesus Stories by Claire

I overheard Claire telling Emma these stories today.  Luckily she agreed to do a re-tell so I could capture them on video.  I pray that this sweet girl will continue to share these stories with everyone she meets.

Three down, Four to go!

So we have finished 3 out of 7 areas of our simplifying fast.  It's been awesome so far!  The clothing fast ended about a month ago - I wore only 7 items of clothing for two weeks.  And, let me tell you.. it was SO freeing. I loved not putting more than a second of my time each morning into what I would wear.  After all, I only had 3 shirts to choose from!  I realized how much excess I have in my life.  Justin and I are pretty darn good at purging, too.  Clearly not good enough though!  I kept thinking to myself - if I'm constantly getting rid of things because I have so much.. why do I keep buying more??  It's really a crazy, bipolar cycle.  The sad thing is I'm so far removed from need in my comfortable, suburban life that I don't have to think about others' needs when I continue to buy more unneeded junk.  How can I change that?  Praying for wisdom and that the poor and needy wouldn't be quite so far removed.

After clothing, we did possessions.  We got rid of 7 items each day for 14 days... 98 items total.  This was so good for me because as we just recently moved, we got rid of tons of stuff then, too.  So this really stretched me and that was good.  I had two really awesome experiences during possessions month.  First, my friend, who is super involved with the refugee community in Atlanta, told me about a refugee woman she knows who is having a baby girl in June.  She is in need of baby girl clothes.  I was thrilled to go through my baby girl clothes and give her over 40 items.  Such a better use of my stuff that is just sitting in tubs, unused! Secondly, our friends are in the beginning stages of an international adoption.  It was been so exciting to watch as God has unfolded their story.  They are waiting to bring home sweet Noah, a two year old boy who is currently living in an orphanage in China.  He will join their family of four.  We are thrilled for them!  Our small group is helping with a garage sale fundraiser to help them with the cost.  The girls and I have talked a lot about Noah, looked at pictures of him, and prayed for him.  I brought them into the playroom last week and we talked about how it costs a lot of money to bring Noah home. I explained that we are going to sell some of our things to help bring him home.  The girls collected over 20 toys in a matter of minutes to donate to the cause.  All by themselves.  And with willing hearts.  (And if you know Claire, you know she is VERY attached to her things.  If she sees anything in the garbage... even if it looks like garbage to me, she FREAKS out.) We prayed for Noah and I was in tears thinking about how awesome it is that my girls get to experience the feeling of sacrifice, as little as it is, to share God's love with others who desperately need it.  

So overall, this possessions section was really good for our family.  I loved having them participate in this with us.  

Next we move on to media.  *gulp*  I think this one might be hard for me...  I haven't decided exactly what I'll be doing but I'm thinking no Facebook, no Instagram, no TV.  I know this will be hard because, as sad as it is, I waste A LOT of time with those things.  There will be a lot more room for Jesus during this fast.  And that's a good thing!

Faint Not

Heavy.  Weighty.  Those are the words that come to mind lately.  My heart has been heavy for all the brokenness and injustice in the world around me.  As Justin and I have been digging deeper into the word of God, asking what it truly means to follow Jesus, and taking Perspectives, our eyes have been opened more to what's really going on.  Not what we see as Americans in our comfortable, warm, and safe homes, but to what is going on in the rest of the world.  And a lot of it isn't pretty.  And isn't fair.  And I'm left with this feeling of 'okay-God-what-now?'  The time is now and the kingdom is here.  And we need to act.  That's what following Jesus really looks like.  It looks like action.  Doing something.  Loving your neighbors.  Serving them.  Meeting needs.  Fighting injustice.  Adopting children.  Fostering them.  But, to be honest, it all feels so incredibly overwhelming.  We heard a speaker from International Justice Mission a few weeks ago and I cried the whole way home.  The stories he told wrecked me.  I know that God wants me to do something so I've been asking him lately what that is.  I want to receive whatever He has for me. I'm praying that I will be open and alert so I'll recognize what it is He's asking me to do.  I shared with the girls in my small group last week that I'm just afraid that the feelings of anger and disgust over the injustice in the world will eventually just die and I'll never do anything about it.  I don't want that!  I want to act!  But I am overwhelmed.

I heard this song yesterday and was so thankful that someone else could so eloquently put my jumbled thoughts into words.  THIS is how I've been feeling...

Faint Not - Jenny & Tyler - Faint Not - Copyright 2010 

The problem’s not a gun, not a color, not a hundred dollar bill
We think the struggle can be won with simple thoughts like 'come together be good willed'
The gap between the rich and poor is spreading out all the more or so they say
We ignore the claims

O my soul, faint not, no, faint not

O my soul, keep up, up
In love

It’s not that we don’t know or we’re not shown the proof of poverty
It’s not that we don’t have the tools to go to break this yoke of slavery
We quit because it’s not an easy fix and then forget that they are even there
We forget to care

O my soul, faint not, no, faint not

O my soul, keep up, up
In love

Where there is hatred, let me sow love
Where there is injury, let me pardon
Where there is darkness, let the Light come, come

O my soul, faint not, no, faint not

O my soul, keep up, up
In love

O my soul, faint not, no, faint not

O my soul, keep up, up
In love

Faint not
Faint not

Would you pray with me that we all are brave enough to take the next step and that we wouldn't forget about the rest of the world who needs Jesus because we are so caught up in ourselves?  

One year ago

One year ago today, Justin and I returned home after a wonderful four night getaway to Arizona.  (Which reminds me, honey... we haven't had a night away from our children in a YEAR now!  I think it's time for one!)  One year ago today I was sure that we had finally, after so many years of moving around, made a home for ourselves where we would raise our family and remain settled.  In Iowa City.  For good.  One year ago today I was feeling so thankful to live 45 minutes from my parents.  So thankful that we had been able to get away for a few nights and leave the girls with Grammy and Babu.

One year ago today, after picking up the girls from my parents' and getting them to bed, Justin got an email.  One year ago tonight Justin read that email aloud to be, announcing an opening in the training department at his company's home office.  One year ago tonight I laughed when he read it and pridefully replied, "Why are you reading that to me?  We are NOT moving to Atlanta!"  One year ago tonight I couldn't sleep, asking God if He actually wanted Justin to apply for the job.  One year ago tonight God began to stir my heart and He began asking me if I truly trusted Him.  One year ago tonight I could not picture my life looking any other way than it did at that moment.  I laid in bed, shedding tears over the possibility of having to give up the 'perfect' life that I had.  One year ago today God started our family on a crazy, unimaginable journey.  One that I didn't ask for, didn't want, and tried my hardest to resist.  But as I sit here, sipping my coffee on a 60 degree January afternoon in Georgia, I am truly thankful that we are here. {and not just because the weather rules.}  I am so thankful that God doesn't give up on his children.  Even his most stubborn ones.  I'm thankful that He challenges us for our good.  I'm thankful that He led us here because He had lessons He needed us to learn.  I'm thankful that He is faithful to fulfill our needs.

For your unfailing love is higher than the heavens.  Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. 
            Psalm 108:4

How good it is to look back and be reminded that God truly 'causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them'! Romans 8:28

Read it

If you are in search of a good book to read, will you please read Anything by Jennie Allen?? Oh.my.word.  It's like I'm having my own little come-to-Jesus counseling sessions on my living room couch every day during nap time.  This book is challenging yet easy to relate to. I feel like there are entire chapters where Jennie stole my life story and put it into words I was never able to form on my own.

I'm almost done with it and I have a feeling I'll just start reading it again as soon as I finish. ;)  There are nights Justin comes home from work and I blubber through reading entire chapters of it aloud to him. I take a screen shot of almost every page of the book because I want to remember that page.  It's that good.

One of my favorite lines from the book... (well, one of about 100 favorite lines from the book)..

"Something about Jesus changes everything - shatters what we thought we were going to do with our lives.  If God is real, there is no medium."

That line gives me chills, makes me cry, and freak out.. all at once!  Okay now, go read it!

Grandma Lin

This past weekend I flew 'home' to Chicago and then on to Milwaukee to celebrate my sweet Grandma's life and homegoing.  She is finally singing at the feet of Jesus in the presence of her beloved husband.  Grandma Linnea (that's where my middle name Linae comes from!) lived a full life.  She was ready to go home and I'm thankful she's in the place she longed to go.  

Grandpa & Grandma were married for 73 years!!! Talk about a legacy of commitment!!

I love this picture.

At our wedding 9 years ago.

Grandma loving on Claire.

My grandma was the most quick-witted, hilarious woman!  She had the best sense of humor and was so quick with her responses, even in her old age.  She loved fancy things and finding bargains.  She was the best cook, and her Swedish meals were always a favorite part of spending Christmas together.  There are endless stories and quotes from this amazing woman, but one of my favorites is her line, "We ain't got much, but what we got is fancy."  She always served her food on beautiful dishes and water in gold goblets.  She loved glitzy clothes and sparkly jewelry. This next story was told twice at her memorial service but it goes down as a family favorite.  One time our family was not at home to answer the phone when Grandma & Grandpa called us.  They decided to leave a message on our answering machine (remember those??) and Grandpa started the message, "Hi!  This is Grandpa and Grandpa calling."  Without missing a beat, Grandma chimed in, "And this is Grandma and Grandma!"  They went on to argue about what Grandpa said on the answering machine and the message ended with both of them hanging up on each other.

I loved hearing every one's stories about Grandma at the service.  Grandma was the oldest of 11 children and when her mom got sick, she was forced to drop out of school at age 14 to take care of her family.  She had to do all the cooking for the men at her father's logging camp.  At age 14.. can you imagine?! After marrying my Grandpa, she began doing catering for fancy parties and affluent families in Chicago. Another one of my favorite stories I heard this weekend was when my uncle shared that after growing up in his family of non-drinkers, as an adult he brought this up to Grandma.  He told his reasons for thinking maybe it was okay to drink alcohol and reminded her that even Jesus drank wine.  My Grandma's response, "That was the only thing I didn't like about him!"

 I realized that in addition to her spunky spirit and her commitment to her Savior and her family, the thing I loved most about my Grandma is how strong of a woman she was.  She was a strong woman before it was cool to be a strong woman.  Before women were on a mission to prove themselves and when women were still told to be the quiet, unopinionated  gender. She pushed the boundaries a little bit and I think that's kind of cool.  Especially because she was still a god-fearing, Christian woman.  But a strong, spunky one at that!

I love you, Grandma Linnea, and am thankful for the legacy you left.  Thank you for loving Jesus, your husband, and your family.  I miss you and your hearty laugh.  But I know you are finally at home and at peace, worshipping the One who made you!  xoxo

Pumpkins 2012

I think Justin's new goal in life is to outdo himself each year when it comes to pumpkin carving.  This year he had his idea ahead of time and even picked out the pumpkins based on his vision.  The girls helped him clean out the pumpkins and then Justin got to work.  

Claire doing her share.

Emma was more into watching than helping.

Working hard..

Justin gets more creative and ambitious with his creations each year.  Here are some from previous years...

Iowa pumpkin 2008

Schumacher Family Pumpkins 2010

Dora & Boots 2011

and here are this year's...

He was super excited about the verse he chose from Luke (2:32)... Jesus is a light to reveal God to the nations, light inside the pumpkin illuminating the verse... ;)  Such a cool visual.  But an even cooler reminder that JESUS is the way.  It is through Him that we see God and through Him that all nations will come to know the one true God.

Where we are

It's so cool to be in a place where you can literally feel God working.  The past six months have been like that for me and Justin.  Every single day when Justin comes home from work, we are both interrupting each other to talk about what God has put on our hearts that day.  It's been one of the most exciting times in our lives. 

I'm reading through the Bible (which I've never done before) chronologically and today this verse popped up as the verse of the day:

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.  Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."   Romans 12:2

I especially love this translation (NLT) because it speaks so deeply to my heart.  I have lived the last 10 years of my life copying the behaviors of this world and the American dream - marriage, career, mortgage, kids, stuff, wanting more, bigger, better... That is what I have been living for.  Sure, we've always been involved in a church and usually a Bible study or small group of some kind.  But, what has been the purpose of those things?  ME.  I wanted to find a church that I like, with people I can hang out with and a pastor I can learn from.  Just so I can know more.  There's nothing wrong with those things but those things shouldn't be the goal.  And they had been for me. To be honest, I've always been bothered by that to some degree, but it still stopped there. 

Then the Lord moved us to Atlanta.  We thought we were moving here for Justin's job and the Lord knew that the only way He could get us (read: ME) to leave Iowa was to dangle the carrot of Justin's 'dream job' in front of us.  But that's not why we're here.  Don't get me wrong - Justin absolutely LOVES his job.  It has been awesome to watch him grow and learn and be challenged in his job for the first time... ever maybe.  The underlying stress we felt for years that came from Justin being so unhappy in his past jobs is gone for the first time.  It's been wonderful for us as a family.  Thank you, Jesus! 

We know now that we are here because we were too comfortable in Iowa.  We weren't allowing ourselves to be challenged because everything was so 'good' and 'easy'.  We've both been reading books like crazy (Radical by David Platt, 7  by Jen Hatmaker, and The Tangible Kingdom by Hugh Halter and Matt Smay to name a few) and it's like our eyes are being opened for the first time.  I honestly can.not.wait. to find out what the Lord has for us.  That's another reason I love that verse in Romans.  I had been copying the behaviors of this world for so long.  And it felt so empty and worthless.  If we don't do that, or at least do our best to fight against that nagging temptation, it leaves room for God to transform us as people and change the way we think.  I feel like that's where Justin and I are right now.  We are seeing Jesus through new eyes and allowing God to transform and change the way we see things.  I can't wait for the next step.  It says in Romans that if we do that, we will learn what God's will is for us.  His good, perfect, and pleasing will.  I'm so excited to find it out.  Am I scared that He's going to ask me to do something I don't necessarily want to do or am afraid to do?  Honestly, yes.  But here's the thing - how can I not let Him do that when it always proves to be what is best??  I didn't want to move to Atlanta.  I mean, not at all.  But, we knew God was leading us so we did.  And in the six months we've been here, He has seriously changed just about everything I thought about everything.  He has been so faithful and I wouldn't want to be any place BUT here right now.  Do I miss Iowa?  The answer is an overwhelming YES!  With every piece of me I miss it.  I miss being so close to family and seeing my best friend every day.  I miss our faith family.  I miss our church.  I miss our babysitter. I miss our playgroups.  I miss the culture and vibe.  I even miss our teeny, tiny house.  But I also know that we have to be where we are right now.  I love the journey we are on and I know that if we had not left Iowa, it would have taken a lot more for us to realize the things we've realized.

I was looking back in my prayer journal recently and came across this entry from last year.  July 27, 2011 to be exact. 

"James 2:16 Faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead.
The word ACTION has been re-appearing in our life lately.  I think the Lord is calling us to something.  Maybe it begins with leading our faith family, Perspectives, ...??  Jesus, Show us how to take action in our faith and how to be your disciples."

I feel like this has been a long time coming.  I love looking back and being on the other side of something and being able to see God at work. 

So this is where we are.