Today is December 11th. That date has always held significance to me because it's my sister's birthday.. Happy Birthday, Jorie!!!! December 11th holds another meaning to me now as well. That is the date our first little baby was due... December 11, 2007. If things had been different, today we would be celebrating that baby's first birthday. Instead, she is with her Heavenly Father.
We only knew about my pregnancy for a couple of weeks when I was hit with excruciating pain on my right side and Justin rushed me to the ER. After five hours and countless tests, the doctors determined that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that sweet little life was growing in my fallopain tube instead of my uterus. I don't think I even really knew what an ectopic pregnancy was but in the next several months, I learned more than I ever wanted to know. I was rushed into emergency surgery and the doctors "removed the pregnancy" from my tube. The thing that still hurts the most is knowing that our baby was living before the surgery but not living after it. She didn't just die on her own... her life was taken. Following the surgery, we went through many months of healing... my body physically had to heal from the surgery, but more than that, my heart had to heal from the pain of losing my first baby. After getting a test done that confirmed my right tube had some blockage in it which could potentially cause another ectopic pregnancy, I didn't know if we would ever be able to have a baby. That makes my sweet daughter Claire even more of a miracle.
This day last year was one of the hardest days of my life... knowing that this would have been my due date. As I reflect on this day today, my heart still hurts and misses that little baby we never got to hold. There is hope, though, because I know she is with her Savior who created her and one day, we'll get to hold her. It's also a day of rejoicing because God chose to bless us with another pregnancy and this time, we get to hold this baby in our arms. What a miracle!
4 comments:
(annnnnd I'm crying at work now)
I loved this entry.
thanks for sharing so openly.
your little claire is beautiful!
I am so surprised to see Annalea here too :) Annie, thanx for sharing your heart. It is amazing how time has passed and how even though you will never, ever forget or simply "move on" He did chose you and Justin out of anyone in the world to parent Claire...pretty awesome! He knew teh desire of yrou heart. She is looking great, fill us in about teh doctor appt. Oh! I thought I woudl share this with you- a few dasy ago I looked at our calendar for teh day and I had written in "pray for Annie's baby birth" thinking at that point I could concentrate prayer your way for her birth....who knew she would already be here??? NO worries I simply prayed for you 3!!!
annie- i am so sorry to hear of your loss. i lost my second baby to miscarriage at 9 weeks in 2004. no matter what way they are lost, the grief is real and painful (though i feel badly for you that you had to endure the surgery and decisions). May 12th is our sad day, and now Oct 3 for our sweet Jaren. but God brings healing with every year and with every prayer and with every verse that reminds us of our blessed reunion in heaven. God gave you Claire just in time (His timing!) so that you would be able to snuggle her on this day! thanks for sharing so openly!
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